This one was written by our friend Sean Dwyer.
I’ve recently stopped attending my church. Putting many intellectual issues aside, the heart of the matter is the heart. I do not want to go anymore. I am unable to go. I am unable to bear the weight of the expectations, exhortations, and encouragements. I am sick.
In the words of Hozier, my church has been dishing out a “deathless death.” In his song, “Take Me to Church,” he sings:
Every Sunday’s getting more bleak,
A fresh poison each week.
“We were born sick,” you heard them say it.
My church offers no absolution.
She tells me, “Worship in the bedroom.”
Like everyone, I find myself under the immense weight of countless demands in life, from within myself and from without. And I am not meeting the standards I inherently set for myself nor the standards others inevitably set for me. And then I go to church and get a heavy dose of this “fresh poison”—more exhortations to holy living and kingdom activism, as if this could motivate exhausted people like myself. In this I experience the “deathless death”: while I realize that “we were born sick,” I am left wondering if the solution is for me to double down on my efforts. My conformity to these precepts even gives me some things to believe about myself, namely, that I may be overcoming my illness, and/or that I am proving to myself that I really belong. Really, there is nowhere else to turn when the Church “offers no absolution.”
The lack of absolution leaves us to “worship in the bedroom.” We are all worshipping creatures by nature. Yet, because we are now sick with sin, these commands are highlighting the problem, even empowering it, not solving it and especially not providing a way forward (cf. Rom. 5:20; 1 Cor. 15:56). So we continue worshipping those things that at least temporarily satisfy our need for love and cleansing.
As far as I see it, our real hope is in the proclamation of absolution and freedom from the law. For “where there is no law, there is no transgression,” and where there is no gospel of the forgiveness of sin, there is no healing or power or true worship of God (Rom. 4:15; cf. 7:6). But now I am dreaming.
In an interview with the Irish Times, Hozier stated:
“I found the experience of falling in love or being in love was a death, a death of everything. You kind of watch yourself die in a wonderful way, and you experience for the briefest moment—if you see yourself for a moment through their eyes—everything you believed about yourself gone. In a death-and-rebirth sense.”
In another interview with New York magazine, he said:
“The song is about asserting yourself and reclaiming your humanity through an act of love.”
My point, though, has nothing to do with the song itself, or Hozier’s meaning for it, but everything to do with highlighting how we all desire to participate in a dying and resurrecting act of love. At church I doggedly “worship” and participate in a death, but not “in a wonderful way,” as Hozier describes. It’s more like the death of a million paper-cuts, especially when “grace” itself suffers the death of a million qualifications.
We need death but not the death of an unending stream of expectations which deludes us into believing all sorts of false things about ourselves. Instead, in the proclamation of Christ’s death for us, we taste a death to ourselves. Even better, in the proclamation of his resurrection for us, we taste the hope of life from the dead. In this proclamation of absolution is the true act of love—reclaiming love and a sort of reenactment and renewal, in which, whether for the first time or the thousandth, we come to God with our sin and neediness and, as unconditionally promised, we are always met with his provision and mercy, no strings attached.
Maybe if, after highlighting my problems, my church offered some absolution (full stop), I’d want to go. Till then, I guess my only option is to “worship like a dog” under the weight of this “deathless death,” as I render an ungrateful and guilty attempt at “obedience,” wondering quite a few things about my real standing before God.
But I do have hope in the days in which, under the hearing of God’s law and gospel, I see myself through His eyes, if just for a moment—everything I believe about myself gone, and only what he says about me in Christ remaining.
COMMENTS
32 responses to “The Deathless Death”
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???? (couldn’t resist)
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🙂 (me neither)
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Oh! Sean Dwyer “IS” the smiley face guy! Now I get it! 🙂
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Living this right now. Cant keep up at church and starved for fellowship of someone in person to tell me “You ain’t heavy, your my brother”
Sorry to hear about this. ????
Hit me up on FB (Sean Jacob) if you ever need an ear. Peace.
K.C. — I am sorry you are dealing with this.
I’m on FB, too (Patricia Finnegan). Would love hearing from you.
Oh….My….GOSH. I hear you, I hear you!!! I can’t begin to tell how many churches I’ve attended, where I find no grace, no real forgiveness, etc.. It’s just another bunch of ‘expectations’, that only weigh my spirit down.
I am sick of it, too.
THANK YOU for posting this!!!! <3
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Outstanding work, Sean. Thanks for blessing us with this.
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You never cease to amaze me with your insightful thoughts. So true and so sad. But touches many Coming from the same place. I love you son
Thanks, Mom. ????
Boom here comes the dynamite
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Do you ever read Oswald Chambers’ devotional? He speaks a lot on these things. After receiving Christ as my savior, I truly wish that I was no longer capable of sin. (Rom. 7 – Paul accounts his own struggle which has God has used to comfort me 24/7.) As His children He places us in many circumstances which are difficult. Perhaps the MOST challenging is attending a church that is”dead.” As Beth Moore has encouraged, God is working in our churches using one or two members who are on fire for Him to lovingly and graciously bring fresh life to the whole. With Christ in us via the Holy Spirit, God the Father is empowering us to do His work where ever He has us…right here. Remember the prodigal son. Christ came into a dead world in the most vulnerable way with a humanly impossible life purpose. Nothing is impossible for God. Ask Him for encouragement in all that you face. He understands the details like NO one else. He will provide all you need. Peace.
Jan,
Thanks for reading and responding. I didnt share much of the backstory. I get what you are saying about blooming where we are planted and such. Unfortunately I have been at the end of my rope on this issue for several years now. And there are many other factors leading me to pull up the stakes. Thank you also for your reminder that God will provide all that we need. Amen.
Good. Lord.
The justification, from Heaven and on Earth, I get from you Mockingbirds is all I got going for me right now. And I know it requires a good bit of forgiveness! Thanks.
Oh my goodness gracious. This was gorgeously poured out, I know, from a weary prone to wander soul. Who wants to go to church burdened only to be sent out with homework and check lists and groups to join and, and, and….. Give me absolution. That burden is light. I heard someone say the other day that most churches don’t like it, if upon entering their doors, you bleed on the floor. You are forgiven, Sean.
Debi,
Amen. Thank you for the absolution.
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Thanks for this, Sean. I have been living this for years. Unfortunately, the more I persist and am a “glutton for punishment,” the less people really see me. These days most don’t highlight my problems, they just ignore me. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone.
Erin,
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You’re welcome…and absolved.
Sean, I’ve left my church too. Mostly because I felt more lonely there than not there. Now I find a communion service somewhere and get the bread and wine and go. I know it’s not where I need to end up but damn if I can do anything else. Been a year. God hasn’t left me and I don’t even think He minds too much.
Steven,
Thx for posting and sharing. I am sorry to hear about your situation. As I am sure you can see, we are in similar shoes. Im glad you have a place to have your faith strengthened. God cares for you. Hes not mad at you. All is forgiven.
The church’s expectations of us, our expectations of the church.
Rob,
Amen. Expectations are often a dead end death trap and “planned resentment.” I was not trying to say expectations are necessarily a bad thing, but that they are bad when not used properly (cf. 1 Tim. 1). The law lawfully used brings about a death “in a wonderful way.” The law presented for the sake of ethical guidance, as if its laid out for the righteous, is what leads to the deathless death. The law presented for the sake of absolution, in accordance with the gospel, is something far better.
We are all sick and a good church can provide worship and community to provide encouragement and meet each others needs. The law exists to show us that we need a savior and can never live up to these commands in this fallen world. It is like a mirror reflecting back our own sinful nature. We are all lost, yet unless we embrace this weakness and allow God to fill us through a personal relationship with Him we will always be looking for something to fill that hole. As we become filled with Got through His Spirit our old self slowly is replaced by His righteousness. We are not called to clean ourselves up first, but by faith to call out and allow God to take control. This is a process and the ultimate goal is always progress, never perfection, God takes care of the rest if we humbly ask Him through prayer. My heart pours out to those, including myself who have been hurt or disillusioned by organized religion. I am blessed to have found a gospel centered church body that worships vertically to allow God’s grace to flow into our horizontal world.