Some would say that what The Jackson 5 were to the Jehovah’s Witnesses, The Osmonds were to the Latter Day Saints. But that might be giving The Osmonds (way) too much credit. A better analogy might be, what the Jackson 5 were to James Brown, The Osmonds were to latter-day Elvis (with the jumpsuits to prove it): teen sensations whose producers scrubbed just enough libido off their respective grown-up versions to capitalize on a new wave of underage consumers. Or you could go all the way in acknowledging the unbelievable whiteness going on here and simply call them a hyper-sanitized…

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