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From The New Yorker

The Foolish and the Weak are Confounding the Wise and the Strong...Yet Again

The Foolish and the Weak are Confounding the Wise and the Strong…Yet Again

If you haven’t watched any of Austin Rogers’ first 12 Jeopardy wins (running currently), you’ve missed seeing the most money amassed over a 12 day period (over $400k) in Jeopardy history. Rogers is a bartender from Manhattan. Do yourself a favor, and start setting your TiVos and DVRs, and treat yourself to a master. It’s not what you think, though. Rogers is tremendous at trivia, but he’s even better at poking fun at the Jeopardy Intelligentsia. Take the last 4 episodes for example (through Oct 11). While being introduced, Rogers has mimed making a martini, solving a Rubik’s Cube, and…

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The Preacher Goes to Fashion Week: Jim Carrey's Gospel Madness

The Preacher Goes to Fashion Week: Jim Carrey’s Gospel Madness

Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher,
    vanity of vanities! All is vanity.

God, in his mercy, sends preachers. Some are well-educated and institutionally-approved folk serving the faithful in fine old churches, but in these last days we should take no alarm that the same Lord who spoke through Balaam’s ass might again choose an eccentric instrument. His preachers are not necessarily welcomed even under ordinary circumstances – indeed, the urgency of the need and the warmth of the reception seem often enough to have an inverse relationship. Again, this should not surprise, because the preacher’s first word is a word of law,…

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From The New Yorker

Seven Tips for Winning an Argument with Your Spouse

Seven Tips for Winning an Argument with Your Spouse

The subtitle in the Love & Death Issue is, naturally, “How to Bring Hell into Your Household.”  

1. Ignore initial pesky feeling that you might be wrong.

If you are thinking to yourself that this is the moment to apologize, forget about it. You started this riot in the street and you are damn well going to finish it. Double down on your argument by 1000% Even if (especially if) you no longer believe it.

2. Ask questions you already know the answer to.

Did you even read that book I suggested? How many drinks have you had?…

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From the Onion: Poll Finds Declining Number of Americans Believe They God

One for the ages (ht SPB). 

WASHINGTON—In what researchers say marks a profound change in the nation’s attitude toward religion, a new Pew Research Center poll released Thursday found a significant decline in the number of Americans who believe they are God. “Our data shows that since we started studying the trend in the late 1970s, there has been a 60 percent decrease in the number of people in this country who believe they are the Lord incarnate,” said Pew senior research statistician Marianne Tomac, adding that the largest contributor to the drop was the dwindling number of parents who raise their children in households in which they are taught they are the Supreme Being. “We also found that of the respondents who grew up believing they were the Almighty, nearly 40 percent admitted that skepticism and disillusionment had caused them to question whether they were, in fact, omnipotent or even created the universe at all.” The poll also reported, however, a corresponding increase in the number of Americans who said while they no longer believed they were God, they did see themselves as the indescribable universal energy that connects all living things.

Top Hat Meets Obelisk

Top Hat Meets Obelisk

For about a century, proud and dead Americans imagined themselves to be Egyptians. Throwing away the simple, hopeful crosses of common grave-marking, and setting aside the robust traditions of soaring angels and death’s heads of Puritan or German decoration, we erected obelisks in our own memory. It doesn’t seem to have ever extended to mummification and canopic jars, but it was a fad of fads that grew up following the Napoleonic spoliation of Egypt—and the sudden appearance of Cleopatra’s needles in Paris, Rome, London, and New York. It ended as abruptly as it began. But the obelisks still poke the…

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From the Onion: Picture Most Closely Resembling Actual Self Immediately Deleted

CORVALLIS, OR—Instantly repulsed by the startling image, local woman Monica Arquette immediately deleted a picture that, above all others ever taken of her, most closely resembled her actual self, sources reported Monday. “God, I hate this one,” said Arquette, promptly wiping from her phone’s memory the most authentic photo of her currently in existence, both in representing her physical form and in capturing her overall essence as a person. “I look so weird. Not a chance I’m showing this hideous thing to anyone.” At press time, Arquette was thrilled with a picture that vaguely approximated her actual self if squinted at long enough.

Oldie but a Goodie: “New Exercise App Just Tells Users They Ran 5 Miles a Day No Matter What”

Vintage find from America’s Most Trusted News Source (ht GP).

LOS ALTOS, CA—Having reached nearly 2 million downloads within its first month of release, the new smartphone app ProMiler has quickly become one of the nation’s most popular exercise tools by informing users that they ran five miles each day no matter what, the app’s creators told reporters Friday. “With ProMiler, achieving your exercise goals is as simple as turning on your device in the morning and being notified that you’ve already run five miles,” ProMiler spokesman John Lyons said while demonstrating the app, which uses advanced GPS technology to display a new, randomly generated five-mile running route near the user’s location every day. “The more you take advantage of ProMiler, the better runner you become, as the app automatically reduces your running time by several seconds per day. And with our ‘Calories Burned’ counter staying fixed at the number 1,000 each day, 100 percent of our users report hitting their fitness targets. The results speak for themselves.” Officials added that the app comes pre-synced with Facebook, allowing users to automatically post their time and running route on their feed for all their friends to see.

"Snarky Sox" on a Plane and Dragging the Lake for an Earring: First World Problems in Professional Sports

“Snarky Sox” on a Plane and Dragging the Lake for an Earring: First World Problems in Professional Sports

Well this is disturbing. My favorite current/active athlete in any sport (Julio Jones, wide receiver, Atlanta Falcons), and my favorite all-time athlete from my high school (!) (MLB Hall-of-Famer Dennis Eckersley) are both in the news today for having excessively first-world problems. Ugh.

I love Julio. I’ve lived in Atlanta since 1990, and for the last 27 years, I’ve been hopelessly devoted to the Atlanta Falcons. I have consistently missed church events on Sunday afternoons in the Fall (some of which I was supposed to be leading) in order to just be left alone in front of my TV to watch the…

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Spider-Man: Homecoming … With Frosting So Good You Can Forget There's Something Off About the Cake

Spider-Man: Homecoming … With Frosting So Good You Can Forget There’s Something Off About the Cake

Grateful for this look at Spider-Man: Homecoming, from our friend Jeremiah Lawson.

When I finished watching the new Spider-Man film with my brother, he told me he liked it, but he couldn’t help but think of a military joke—if you break the rules and you fail, you get a courtmartial, but if you succeed beyond everyone’s hopes and dreams, you get a medal. That doesn’t mean that what you decided to do was necessarily ever a good idea. There are other ways of expressing this kind of concern about Spider-Man: Homecoming and the Marvel Cinematic Universe in general, but that joke…

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From the Onion: Poll Finds Majority of Americans Would Like Things to Go Right for Once

An oldie but a goodie (ht GP). 

UTICA, NY—A poll released Tuesday by Zogby International found that 72 percent of Americans would prefer it if things could go right, just this one time, without something inevitably coming along and screwing everything up. “For once in my life, it would be cool if things didn’t suddenly fall apart right when they started going my way,” said poll respondent Esther Lau, who listed finally catching a break as one of her personal goals. “Suppose, for example, that instead of turning into a total disaster in the end, events worked themselves out in a way that was favorable, or at least okay for the most part. That’s a situation I would be amenable to.” The remaining 28 percent of Americans agreed that everything was just fine, and why would this even be a question someone would ask in the first place?