This one was written by Anna Nott.

I am convinced that I, perhaps along with a good portion of the rest of the world, continue to listen to Halsey’s hit “Bad at Love” for more than just the fact that it’s super catchy. The lyrics are profoundly confessional, stating:

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe
that we’re meant to be.
But jealousy, jealousy, jealousy, jealousy
Gets the best of me.
Look, I don’t mean to frustrate, but I
Always make the same mistakes, yeah I
Always make the same mistakes ’cause
I’m bad at love!

When she sings, “I believe that we’re meant to be, but jealousy gets the best of me,” I can’t help think of my own love life. Despite feeling like my current relationship is the real thing, I let social media get the best of me, allowing a photo record of the past stir up jealousy around former loves. This tendency quickly turns into self-sabotage, creating a dark sense of fear, doubt and distrust in my mind. It is Halsey’s song that brings a bit of comfort, showing I’m not the only one. It is an anthem of admittance to being a failure at love. She sings boldly about how despite her need and desire for love, she “always makes the same mistakes.” These lines remind me of Paul’s dilemma when he writes in Romans, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but the very thing I hate…I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out” (7:15-18). Despite my repeated attempts to make it in this love business, nothing gives and I find myself stuck in the same old ruts: jealousy, hypocrisy, egocentrism.

Truth be told, I think the hardest thing for me to grasp is the belief that concerning my innermost being I am worthy of love. I recently stumbled upon a Brene Brown video (surprise: found on Instagram) where she’s quoting a truth she discovered during her research for her latest book, Braving the Wilderness. She says:

Don’t walk through the world looking for evidence that you don’t belong, because you’ll always find it. Don’t walk through the world looking for evidence that you’re not enough, because you’ll always find it.

Despite wanting, craving, needing love…I constantly search for evidence that proves I am not worthy of it. Thankfully, the truth is, I was, am, and will always be worth dying for, because I am God’s precious creation. In Ephesians 2:10, I am reminded: “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”

Halsey carries on in the song by saying,

But you can’t blame me for tryin’
You know I’d be lyin’ sayin’
You’re the one
That could finally fix me
Lookin’ at my history
I’m bad at love.

“Lookin’ at my history” reminds me of all the baggage: the high school ex-boyfriend, the broken promises, relationships that for some reason or another could never get to the point of being “serious” during my troubled college years. Now that I’ve found and spent the past year getting to know someone who I hope I never have to go through losing, I’m still haunted by my broken past, and the failures that have brought me to this point.

Looking at my history, looking at human history, looking at any Biblical character’s history, no one is exempt from a record of wrongs. Yet we all have a Savior who loves us despite our deep and constant imperfections, and it is this love that is Good and keeps no record of wrongs. He is the one that says “forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). Hence it is because of His ability to fix us, not our ability to fix ourselves or fix each other, that we are eternally loved.