As we all know, love stories are often too good to be true.
On This American Life last week, NPR social science correspondent Shankar Vedantam, who now has his own podcast called Hidden Brain, tells the story of a love-letter scam created by a man named Don Lowry. In the 1980s, Lowry purchased the address lists of major men’s magazines and began sending catalogs advertising female penpals. Interested men could peruse this catalog of pretty girls, with photographs and extensive bios, and begin receiving letters and pictures for a subscription fee.
You might have an idea of what these pictures and letters sound like but, strangely enough, sex was not the goal. The letters that went out to each subscriber weren’t particularly spicy, either. They were devoted, validating. Here’s an example of one that came to Jesse, who Vedantam interviews extensively in the segment:
“Dear Jesse, Deep down you know as well as I do that you could be a lot better off than you are if you only had someone on your side– someone who would help you, encourage you, work with you, and stick with you even when things get bad. What I’m talking about, of course, is a true friend. But that kind of person is hard to find today, isn’t it?”
The letters were mass-produced. They came typed, instead of handwritten; Jesse’s penpal, “Pamala” was sending the same letter out to all her doting admirers. At the same time, each woman had a unique voice, particular traits and ways of expressing herself. The letters, then, had to toe the generic-specific line just precisely enough to make a connection with each reader. And they did. Here’s Jesse who, in 1985 began receiving these letters.
You can tell when you meet a person that they’re not superficial, this is coming from their heart. Everybody’s looking for that perfect love and everything. And this pops up. So I thought, well, could this be something different?
As you might guess, the recipients of these letters are not qualifying for Mr. America. At the time, Jesse was in his thirties, he was overweight, and he was living at his parents’ house, taking care of his sick father. He had never had a girlfriend before. It goes without saying that subscribers were people for whom life had not been kind, they were the “defaced and degraded ones,” the least of these. And so it was an easy target for Don Lowry, who believed he knew what these people needed to hear.
Guy, his wife died. And he was living alone. He didn’t have any friends. That kind of thing. He needed this. He didn’t have anything or anybody else to cheer him up. Nobody. We did it. These girls would boost their egos. Things like, oh, your handwriting is so masculine. Things like that—little things. It gave the guy a boost. And they loved it.
Lowry’s scam was eventually brought to court, but not before he expanded operations to as many as 30,000 men in the mid-80s. At that time, Lowry owned his own print shop, and was distributing products like tapes and recordings, as well as meet-and-greet events with the girls. When it hit the court, it was mobbed by the press. People magazine called him a snake-oil salesman.
But strangely, the people who should have been angry—the scammed—defended him in court. Jesse was one of those who testified and, instead of blaming Lowry for the money Jesse wasted and the heartache he suffered, he actually defended him. Jesse told the court that these letters had meant the world to him, whether “Pamala” was really his or not.
Like I said, I was glad to be getting letters from somebody. And even though you’re paying money for that because you have blinders on and not really paying attention to all of that. And like I said, when you’re not the best looking person in the world, that somebody out of the blue that writes to you and tell you things and build up your spirits and everything and stuff because everybody looks at you and stuff, it’s like the deal with the hunchback of Notre Dame. You’ll never find anybody that will care for you, but there at the end, he wound up making a friend with the people that befriended him and everything.
Vedanta’s interest in this story has less to do with the reality of this love, and more to do with the fact that we see what we want to see. He has found here an extended parable of the confirmation bias. But Vedanta would also argue that this story conveys the power of our emotional reasoning over rational “truth.” As we’ve said so many times before, our minds are the snap justifiers of what our hearts want. Too bad TAL didn’t quote Ashley Null. In short, it’s not so much about the truths we learn as it is about the belonging we so desperately crave.
At the same time, the sinking feeling you get in listening to this story is the fraudulent nature of this belonging. It is a scam. As much as Jesse and the rest of the conned were hoping for this to be the real thing, it wasn’t. It was a lie. We are left to deal with that dissonance in the story, but the Christian story makes real what Jesse’s letters sought to find. It means that the lighthouse he still keeps by his bed is the sacrament of a realer love.
Jesse: Me and her more or less bonded more than any other person I’ve ever talked to. It was like a beacon from outside. It was like if you were a ship out at sea and you were looking for a lighthouse– which they used that in the deal, to look for the light and everything and guide yourself towards it, where you know that you’ll have safe haven.
Shankar Vedantam: I’m not sure I’m exactly following you. Is this something from one of the letters, where they basically talk about the lighthouse?
Jesse: Yes. and, in fact, I got a little wooden figure of a lighthouse that she sent to me at one time and everything. It said, let this beacon know that somebody’s out there looking out for you and everything.
COMMENTS
9 responses to “The Love We Can’t Believe Doesn’t Exist”
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OH–I can certainly relate to this, even as a woman. I’ve never known ‘real love’; just a lot of fakers. Jesse’s words are so heartbreaking to read. Thanks for posting this, Ethan!
This was a fascinating listen. When Jesse goes to the meet and greet and “meets” Pamela, he’s not particular phased by the fact that there are a dozen other guys there to meet Pamela too! (all of whom she had allegedly sent the SAME letters to). In reality, she was merely “the girl in the pictures”. Don wrote the letters.
Most incredulous to me – when these guys wrote very personal letters to the women, including how they felt about the death of one their parents, etc., they received no specific response to their vulnerability about their personal tragedies. Rather, they just received flowery, generic encouragement to “hang in there”.
What we decide to settle for in the midst of our search for something real outside of ourselves is staggeringly sad.
Don the Con. Sounds like Donald Trump, except he conned a large percentage of the population. He will be exposed for the liar and conman he is, just like Lowry.
When will anybody care to know the truth? When will anybody even wonder what I, (Pamala), endured at the hands of a very evil man – Don Lowry? When will anybody care how much I suffered then and still suffer? There is a great deal more to this story, and instead of caring to publish the truth, the media continues to focus on what is salacious. Even ‘This American Life’ misrepresented this story after being presented with the truth. When they were confronted with the damage they had inflicted upon an innocent woman, they did not care. The source for their story, as has been the case for over three decades, was only a series of false newspaper articles. All they sought from me (Pamala), was the opportunity to “ambush” concerning letters I was not even aware existed. I continue to pray that someday, somebody, somewhere, will care to know and write about only what is true.
Pamala, having heard the story via NPR and read some of the articles, I think it would be very interesting to hear your side of the story. You seemed like an integral part of this heartbreaking tale and I am sure you did suffer, when all was said and done. Like Jesse and and the others, it sounds like you were taken advantage of by Don Lowry. I hope one day you will tell your side of it.
Pamala, I am a playwright and would very much like to hear your story.
Pamala, you can contact me via ilovetheatre603@gmail.com.
Kathy,
Somebody in the media finds me between 6-10 times each year since 1987. Each time, I am promised the opportunity to share truth. Each time, I have ended up being devastated by their improper definition of truth. I poured my heart out, literally bled pages and pages of words describing my pain and the truth about this story to the producer for This American Life assigned to this story. The end result was that the public received an entertaining podcast. I am always so shocked that nobody has ever even done the necessary math to understand that this scam began in 1965. I was born in 1963. A United States Attorney once gave a press conference in which he stated that I had been recruiting models since 1974. The truth is, I never met whom I refer to “bad man” until April 8, 1985. I was suicidal and the door I walked through on that day turned out to be extremely calamitous. I am also shocked that nobody ever seems even curious as to why the charges against Maria Esther Lowry, who was married to “bad man,” were dropped, though she was the figurehead of the organization, “Mother Maria,” involved with its founding in 1965, employed by the corporation since 1965. The truth is that it was a deal made between the prosecution and the attorney who represented me and “bad man” together. Truth: I was NEVER an “angel.” Referring to me as one was far more salacious and interesting to the media. In hindsight, I recognize I should have had separate representation, however, even if I understood that back then, it would not have happened. You’ll see many articles still available internationally which refer to my “emotional outbursts, crying, even screaming” in the courtroom. I always have wondered why nobody has cared enough to even wonder why. I was sent for a mental health evaluation prior to sentencing. Nobody has ever inquired as to the results. Though I desperately needed help since I was a child, I was only evaluated for my conditions prior to sentencing. Those records were sealed by the court. Even I was not allowed to see them and especially the media, although I doubt they would have reported anything which would have taken them away from their desired narrative. The story would just not have been appealing or salacious enough. Many talk shows, newscasts, magazines and newspapers, covered this story. Not one source ever got it right. It hurts. To this day it remains a very deep wound from which I often feel I will never heal. I have reached out to so many people. Promises were broken; some people important to the truth have since passed on, yet I never gave up trying to convince anybody to listen and care only about the truth. I feel bad for Jesse, yet when a person truly commits themselves to listening for truth, they will hear it. To date, I do not think a single soul has cared enough to even want to know. It hurts to know that nobody seems to care about my outcome. What happened to Pamala? Pamala met “bad man” at age 21, after escaping from an extremely abusive marriage- one which kept her locked in an attic closet for seven months, unless she was removed temporarily so that she could be sexually abused. Pamala, a young person who never smoked, drank alcohol, did drugs or even cursed, ended up being a central figure in a story which was not hers. As a result, she was trapped in a nightmare prison for 2 1/2 years of her life. Pamala was not protected as she should have been. Instead, she was placed in harms way. “Bad man” took her out of the country, kidnapped her at gunpoint, forced her to chop off her hair and dye it (at gunpoint), and raped repeatedly. Pamala will never feel “clean” again. Pamala has trust issues when it comes to the media, or anybody who professes to “want to know the truth.”
Thank you to “listen.” I hope you understand how terrifying it is for me; how fear never leaves me. I have worked very hard to heal, my heart and spirit- seeking emotional liberty for over three decades.
Thank you for sharing, Pamala. I truly hope you find the peace and healing that you deserve.