Amazing. Just amazing:
WASHINGTON—While experts agree you’ve been remarkably successful so far at keeping up the ruse that you’re a capable, worthwhile individual, a new report out this week indicates that today is the day they finally figure out you’re a complete and utter fraud.
The report, compiled by the Pew Research Center, states that sometime within the next 24 hours, people will find out that you have no idea what you’re doing, that you’ve been faking it for years, and that, through continuous lying and shameless posturing, you’ve actually managed to dupe virtually everyone around you into thinking you’re something other than a weak and ineffectual person.
They’ve had their suspicions all along, sources said, but today their suspicions will be confirmed.
“Though you’ve somehow gotten this far in life without anyone discovering you’re not what you pretend to be, it’s all about to come crashing down, and not a minute too soon, to be frank,” reads the report, which goes on to note that you don’t deserve anything you have—not your job, not your relationship, not even your parents’ love—and you know it. “You’re incompetent, you’re petty, you’re vain, you’re barely keeping it together beneath that confident exterior you project, and your little charade is just about over.”
“They’re all on to you,” the report continues. “You do understand that, don’t you?”…
“On some level, deep down, you knew this day had to come,” the report concludes. “And now it has.”