Talk about bait! The All-Seeing, All-Knowing Onion strikes again:

OLATHE, KS—Despite numerous reservations and misgivings He harbored about the 33-year-old mortgage broker, Jesus Christ, the Son of God and Our Holy Savior, reportedly entered the heart of Derek Moehr on Wednesday, reluctantly illuminating the local man with His divine grace.

Christ, who described Moehr as “kind of a deadbeat” and “not a particularly great husband or father,” said that He was hesitant to fill Moehr’s soul with the Word of God, but conceded that, as the Heavenly Redeemer of Mankind, He ultimately felt He had no choice but to allow His holy spirit to dwell inside the Wells Fargo employee… “I would have been perfectly happy with never cleansing Derek of his sins and transgressions, but, unfortunately, when a believer reaches out to me with faith in their hearts, I kind of have to reach back, even if it’s Derek.”

“But I just want to make it clear this was not my idea,” the Messiah added. “The last thing I want is to be this guy’s personal savior.”…

“I honestly never thought Derek of all people would actually commit his life to me,” the frustrated King of Kings added. “And frankly, I don’t see why this always has to be my responsibility.”

According to Christ, “if all goes well” He hopes to abide in Moehr’s heart just long enough to release the man of the sinful nature he was born with, at which point He expected take a more passive and hands-off role in which He only rarely reentered Moehr to renew his faith…

At press time, the Son of God reportedly sighed and resigned Himself to the likelihood that He would have to welcome Moehr into His heavenly kingdom and spend eternal life in the obnoxious loser’s presence.

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