A wheelhouse piece, just in time for Mother’s Day: a litany of confessionals from the mothers of America about their partners-in-crime. It seems–as ever–that Dad could do more around the house, that his “assistance,” if it is there at all, becomes one more thing (or two, or three…) that requires surveillance and handholding and discipline. In other words, for most mothers, the father becomes another child. And for the most part, he is a more difficult child, because of what he should be.
This is not so much a repeat post on the “manchild syndrome” as it is an interesting glimpse into two things: the impossible task of perfect parenting and the impossible burden of sharing that impossible task with another person. The Today article surveys thousands of mothers and fathers who have become attuned to both, but its diagnosis doesn’t land with a finger pointed at Daddy. Instead, it describes the cyclical feedback loop of any marriage; that something which ought to be “teamwork” becomes structured on expectations, which inevitably become secret resentments, which (hopefully soon) become screaming matches, which (hopefully) become (hopefully) some kind of re-start. The article asks where the high-pressure “mommy judging” comes from, and observes that we rarely need help imagining that the burdens we’re carrying are ultimate ones. The article suggests a laying down of guns–have you been here? (ht ZW):
An exclusive TODAY Moms survey of more than 7,000 U.S. mothers reveals that the average mom rates her stress level an 8.5 out of 10. What’s got them so stressed? For 46 percent of moms, husbands are a bigger source of stress than kids. Often, moms complain, the fathers of their children are more like big kids than equal partners. Mom stress is fundamentally different than dad stress, women say, and the inability to see eye-to-eye with a partner can lead to, you guessed it, more stress.
“We both work full time and we both try to split the childcare, but somehow I’m always freaking out way more than he is,” said Fleno, who blogs at CT Working Moms. She admits she tends to project 20 years ahead with every little parenting decision – if she lets her daughter have an extra cookie or lets her son quit karate, how will that affect their development into mature, responsible adults? “My husband, obviously he worries about their future, but he doesn’t worry the same way,” she said.
Add to moms’ stress about the future their stress about the day-to-day work of parenting, which moms say falls largely on them. According to the survey, mothers stress most about not having enough time in the day to do everything that needs to be done. Three-quarters of moms with partners say they do most of the parenting and household duties. One in five moms says not having enough help from their spouse is a major source of daily stress.
“Moms think, my primary job is to be a mom, so she looks to her husband to be a support,” said Hal Runkel, an Atlanta-area therapist, married father of two teens and author of “ScreamFree Parenting” and “ScreamFree Marriage.” But when dads get relegated to a support role, they’re less likely to be the equal partners that moms say they want. The problem is not men, it’s marriage, Runkel said: Marriage is stressful by nature, even good marriages.
“Marriage is a more difficult relationship than parenting,” said Runkel, 41. Combine the two and it’s a recipe for stress. Meanwhile, dads feel like they’re doing more than ever with the kids – and not getting any credit. A 2012 TODAY Moms survey of 1,500 fathers found that two-thirds of dads say what they want most from their partner is just a little verbal acknowledgment, a “good job” now and then.
Maybe they shouldn’t hold their breath. Resentment and bitterness bled through many of the anonymous comments on the Mom Stress survey conducted last month such as:
“I am exhausted emotionally and physically when my husband comes home. He feels like another job.”
“Even though I have a committed spouse, I still feel like all the pressure is on ME to get everything done. I work just as many hours as my husband does, but yet I do all the scheduling.”
“Often times it seems like I am the only adult in my house. My husband and daughter compete with me for my attention.”
“He gets all the time he wants and I get none. I can’t even take a relaxing bath without my husband bringing the baby to me.”
“I feel like I am figuring out a lot about parenting on my own without the input of my husband. This stresses me out because when something goes wrong, it is all my fault.”
…Of course, it’s worth noting that the stress of moms who feel frustrated with their partners pales in comparison to the intense stress of single moms. It’s one thing to say you feel like a single mom sometimes; it’s another to actually be one. Single moms reported the highest levels of stress in our survey.
Perhaps part of the solution for stressed-out married moms is to emulate their relatively laid-back partners rather than resenting them. No dad ever stayed up until 3 a.m. obsessing that the cupcakes he made from scratch for the school bake sale don’t measure up to the pictures on Pinterest. “Daddy judging” just isn’t a thing like “mommy judging” is. They might not notice the mess in the living room, but does it really matter?
Runkel, who travels a lot for work, says the stress of parenting with a partner is worth it in the end. He and his wife were high-school sweethearts who have been married 20 years. Whenever he gets back home from a trip, he said, his wife usually tells him, “It was easier when you weren’t here. But she always follows up with, ‘That doesn’t mean it was better.’”
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COMMENTS
6 responses to “Daddy Momming: (More) Stress Cupcakes and the Extra Kid at Home”
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Great post. I was just sharing with a friend today that my husband is more than happy to go to the grocery store, but I never let him because inevitably he brings home the wrong type of strawberries or cereal or whatever, which in turn makes me irrationally frustrated or angry or irritated, even though: (1) whatever minor mistake he made doesn’t really matter; (2) I know it doesn’t really matter; and (3) chances are I never told him what to actually get so there was no way he could actually meet the expectation. The standard to which we hold ourselves and our households is absurd and laughable, but yet “mommy judging” (a new term to me) isn’t going away any time soon. Call it whatever you will, it’s part of who many moms are (and I bet primary caregivers in general whether male or female). I often think it’s just another means of retreating back to the law – of forcing order in my life where order can never truly be had – of controlling the uncontrollable. Luckily, I’m married to a man from whom God’s grace flows in abundance. So when I scream about the strawberries, he just tells me he loves me anyway…
I can’t tell you how timely this piece was for me. Mother’s Day lights out, I lie down to bed with my wife and ask her if she enjoyed her day and then she unloads a “confessional” on me that felt like a punch in the stomach (and still does). All I could say was “I’m sorry, I’m a selfish person and I F—– up.” Everything she had to say was true, but it caught me off guard because up to that point I was thinking of myself as a pretty involved father. I clean, I watch the baby one or two nights a week so she can have a night out of the house and usually do the same thing on Saturday mornings. I do easily my fair half of the midnight parenting (our baby is not good sleeper). But that’s the Law for you, try your best but you will come short and it’s accusing voice is going to hit you with a sucker punch in the gut.
Thanks for shedding a little Gospel light on my otherwise bad post-Mother’s Day.
Love your comment Caroline. It made me smile today. I’ve been on that end of going to the grocery store and my wife has been on the end of being frustrated. I only hope she can say that I’ve been as gracious as your husband. Control and expectations…we’re constantly battling the effects of the fall aren’t we? God’s grace is our only hope!
There could be a factor missing in this article,
an aspect of the relationship of young parents that chronically
makes the young father seem like a “problem” for the young mother.
Great point PZ!
The male species cannot be sliced neatly into a bowl like that wrong kind of strawberries he brought home…try as you might that is never going to cut it ! They resist being managed or controlled , thankfully that is what makes them complex and interesting…it is the same thinking behind a younger male child seeming constantly misbehaved or difficult behind an accomplished female child in birth order….just an observation of 30 years.