Capping off a refreshingly funny week on the site, a new classic from America’s Finest News Source, ht JD:

The-Big-Lebowski-stillThat’s right; reports indicate that you, Carl Mendel, 33, of Dayton, Ohio need to wake up, get moving, and pull yourself out of this weird funk you’ve been stuck in for, what is it, sources confirm, three years now? Those familiar with the situation said that we all care about you, Carl, and experts claim it’s time you take charge and break out of this cycle of apathy that’s preventing you from living up to your potential.

“You know, life’s short, Carl,” said Brookings Institution president Strobe Talbott, who, like everyone else, confirmed that he just wants you to enjoy a healthy, happy, well-rounded life and basically get back to the old Carl who records show is in there somewhere…

According to the reports, Carl, you’ve been neglecting every single aspect of your life, with several sources in particular citing the disregard of your physical health, your hopes of forging some kind of romantic relationship, and, at times, Carl, and this is reportedly embarrassing to say, your personal hygiene. The findings demonstrate that your day-to-day routine presently consists of little more than coming home after work, ordering take-out food, flipping back and forth between HBO and ESPN or cycling through Netflix options for seven straight hours, and then going to bed.

Scott-Pilgrim-Gets-It-Together-9781932664492Sources have repeatedly asked you if this is any way to live. Well, is it, Carl?

“This is tough to say, but Amy ain’t coming back,” Hernandez added. “You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and you need to accept that she’s gone and just move the fuck on. She wasn’t good for you, anyway.”

Past information emphatically suggests that the old Carl—the Carl who eyewitnesses recount always talked about starting his own business, the Carl who loved going to the park to shoot hoops with Eric and Ben, and who had some goddamned pride, for crying out loud—has been replaced by an unidentifiable zombie who’s reportedly drifting aimlessly through life like nothing in the world matters…

Sources have confirmed over and over again that it’s just that we all really care about you, buddy, and it’s difficult to watch you fall apart like this when you’ve reportedly got so much potential. The fact is, reliable independent studies have shown you’re an intelligent, capable, wonderful man who graduated with honors from William & Mary, for crying out loud.