One of the best things about moving to Houston, Texas, a year ago (other than the Mexican food and Blue Bell ice cream) is that I now live in the same town as Brené Brown. As such, I’ve been able to hear her twice: once as a speaker at the church where I work and just recently at a gathering of clergy in the Episcopal Diocese of Texas. Many of you have watched her 2010 TEDx talk on vulnerability (which went viral Gangnam style). And she’s been on this here blog here, here, and here. In May, she gave a TED talk on shame—and like her first foray on the TED stage, it’s a grab-the-kleenex-because-you’re-gonna-have-a-catharsis-all-over-the-place doozy. The insights and ideas of her work hum with such deep resonance with the theological concepts featured on this blog—things like grace, honesty, redemption in suffering, living through dying—she’s become impossible to ignore. Her talks do what a good sermon does: Make one feel deeply seen (maybe even exposed)—yet understood and thus (dare we say it?) loved. She doesn’t talk about God, but his fingerprints are all over the place.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0&w=600]
When I heard her speak last month, Brown kicked me in the existential ribs with this truism: “In the absence of connection, there is suffering. And we would do anything to stay connected.” The world is full of people trying to get and keep connection. As The Smiths’ classic “How Soon is Now?” goes: “I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does.”
She then went on to say that the way we get connection (that sense of love and belonging) is vulnerability. The problem with that is you have to show people who you really are. And the problem with that is so very many of us are ashamed of who we are. (Clarification: Brown helpfully points out that shame is different from guilt. Guilt is about behavior: “I made a mistake.” Shame is about self: “I am a mistake.”) Shame drives our fear of ever being vulnerable—if people see me, they will reject me. So we hide deeper and deeper, or work harder at numbing ourselves. It’s what I call the “everything’s fine” two-step. This is true in our relationships with people, and it’s also true in our relationship with God. We know that God has forgiven us (dealt with our guilt through the work of Christ on the cross—something we talk about a lot on this blog), but we don’t really believe he likes us (that’s the shame talking: “You are bad and unloveable.”) So we hide from him too (evidenced, for example, by the completely contrived, superficial, and jargon-laced prayers one hears in churches and Bible studies—we only talk that way when we’re hiding; we don’t talk that way to our grandma or our therapist or anyone else from whom we do not fear rejection).
What does the Gospel have to say to what Brown identifies as the “epidemic of shame” in our culture? A lot. But I think the church has some work to do here on recovering it. We talk really well about how Christianity deals with guilt. But we don’t bring the Gospel resources to bear on the blanket of shame that covers our congregations (and our families!). I don’t have any silver bullets here. But a good place to start is taking a good long look at how Jesus treats people who are clearly dripping with shame.
Look at how he treats the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4. She’s had a string of failed marriages and is now unmarried, but living with a man. Jesus knows everything about her, yet he initiates a conversation with her, singling her out for compassionate attention. And when he reveals that he knows everything, he simply continues the conversation without a single word of judgment or exhortation. He then implicitly tells her that the Gospel is for her, too (“you will worship” v. 21), and does her the great honor of revealing to her that he’s the Messiah (Like Clark telling Lois he’s Superman). That is, Jesus is vulnerable with her! Jesus has made her vulnerable by outing her, but then he stoops to join in her vulnerability by outing himself. (A claim to be Messiah is certainly a risky, vulnerable thing to say! Try it at your next social gathering.)
And look at how Jesus treats tax collector Zacchaeus in Luke 19. This Jew-turned-Roman-lackey was a total sell out. He betrayed his own people to line his pockets. And like the Samaritan woman, he is just full of shame. (Note that the biblical text tells us Zacchaeus was so short, v. 3, that he had to climb a tree to see Jesus. Short men are often given lots of reasons to hate themselves physically.) So Zacchaeus, in being so desperate to see Jesus that he does the undignified thing of climbing a tree, makes himself completely vulnerable. (Everybody could see him up there!) But when Jesus sees him, he offers no rebuke, no listing of Zacchaeus’s sins—just says, “I must stay at your house.” Jesus wants to honor this sinner’s house with his presence. Again—don’t miss this!—another vulnerable move by Jesus. By not throwing the book and Zacchaeus and then staying at his house (!), he opens himself up to public criticism for being “soft on crime” and scorn for palling around with bad characters. Jesus meets vulnerability with vulnerability. This is called empathy. And Brené Brown says it’s the only thing that kills shame.
In these and many other encounters, look—really look!—at how Jesus treats people. He behaves towards them how he does to the confused young man who approaches him in Mark 10: “Jesus, looking at him, loved him.” In the pages of the New Testament, Jesus, trying to be heard above our internal monologue of shame, shouts: “I see you. I see all of you. I see your shame. And I love you!”
COMMENTS
17 responses to “Brene Brown and the End of Shame (See: Nazarene Carpenter)”
Leave a Reply
I finished Daring Greatly a few weeks ago and it rocked my world. So glad you posted this. Very helpful in articulating the various ways her insight does inevitable surgery on the heart…and pride!
You are so welcome, Matt! Brown’s candor and empathy are like oases in the desert. I have yet to read DG, but it’s on my list!
Wow, That is wonderful
http://www.mardecortesbaja.com/2011/09/15/shame-and-honor-in-the-western/
I really enjoyed this from the talk:
“For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what? Weak. I did not interview men for the first four years of my study. And it wasn’t until a man looked at me one day after a book signing, said, “I love what you have to say about shame, I’m curious why you didn’t mention men.” And I said, “I don’t study men.” And he said, “That’s convenient.” And I said, “Why?” And he said, “Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?” I said, “Yeah.” “They’d rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable we get the shit beat out of us. And don’t tell me it’s from the guys and the coaches and the dads, because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else.”
I think it’s very eye opening to think about. As I have been going through some of the thing that Brene has been talking about and using it to shape some of the things I have been doing with ministry and Life I have been feeling like that guy. That sometimes guys are looked at weaker because of this. It’s a very interesting thing to keep unpacking on my part.
Enjoyed this post a lot.
Interesting..& kinda sad regarding men and vulnerability. I hope that can be changed somehow.
I love her stuff so much. The part about hidden shame metastasizing is so true. Discovering recently what some people close to me have gone through and never talked about makes some things about them make sense now.
This is valuable and important information!
Thank you so much for this. I just finished reading “Daring Greatly” last month – amazing! Have you read it yet? I’ve listened, followed, and admired Brene Brown to the point where I continually have to take her off the idol mantle and put Jesus back there. I am fascinated by her work (and her) and I’ve been trying to make the God-connection to her work. And you did just that here. Beautiful post!
I just returned from worship at the PCA church where my wife and I are members. The speaker today used John 4:1-30 as the scriptural basis for his sermon. I was amazed about half an hour ago when to my surprise Brene Brown used the same passage as the basis for much of her discussion on forgiveness and love and vulnerability! Before I was only vaguely acquainted with Dr. Brown, having heard her one time only on the TED talks.
I am really thrilled about her return to Christianity and I definitely want to read a book.
I agree Aaron, the church has got to learn to address shame rather than inflict shame. I was teaching a class on shame to some seminary students and asked them to raise a hand if they had ever heard a sermon on shame. Not one of the students (about 40) raised a hand. Then one said, “I’ve never heard a message on shame from the pulpit but I have sure been shamed from the pulpit plenty of times. Everyone groaned in response.
We also have to learn HOW to address shame. When we share the Gospel we tend to speak in terms of forgiveness. But shame is deaf to forgiveness. Forgiveness addresses what we have done but shame has to do with who we are. Experiencing unconditional love and acceptance is essential to our healing and no one is as good at unconditional love and acceptance as Jesus.
I’ve been trying to learn about his for many years and share what I’ve learned. Appreciate your post and Brene Brown very much. http://www.ongodstrail.com