Yet another shot of brilliance from our favorite publication:
WASHINGTON—According to a new report from the National Association of Just Getting Out There and Getting It Done, when it comes to making it happen, a majority of Americans just have to, you know, get motivated and do it. The group’s findings, which indicate nearly 80 percent of the nation needs to give it a shot at some point because, hey, you never know, suggest that the country can talk about it all it wants, but when it comes down to actually doing it, well, there’s talking about things and then there’s doing things.
The study confirmed that there’s not much more to say, really.
“The American populace needs to figure out what it wants to do and then get out there and, you know, do it,” the report read in part, adding that, hey, look, the nation’s gotta start somewhere, right? “Nearly half the country is currently sitting on the couch wondering if it’s ever going to happen for them, and further data suggests that, to be perfectly honest, it’s only gonna happen if they make it happen. See what we’re saying?”
“Basically, the U.S. populace has to think about finally getting things in gear here because statistics point to the fact that the constant hemming and hawing is getting a little ridiculous. After all, nowhere in our research could we find what’s stopping them or what they really have to lose,” he added.
The study concluded that while this is going to sound corny, the truth of the matter is that if the citizenry doesn’t step up to the plate and take a crack at it, they’ll regret it for the rest of their lives. There is absolutely no doubt about that, the report confirmed. “Overall, a plurality of males and females from ages 18 to 57 need to ask themselves ‘Why the hell not?’ when considering if they should just do this thing already,” the report’s co-author Melony Steele said. “And it would seem many Americans have a motive to give it a go, because a vast majority said they didn’t want to end up like their sibling or friend who had the chance once but let it slip away.”
Though the study’s recommendation to, you know, put your best foot forward because anything worth doing is worth doing right has inspired some citizens, most of the population reportedly still believes that the timing just isn’t quite right. “Yeah, I dunno, we’ll see,” 34-year-old American Eagle retail worker Kevin Pratt told reporters. “I got some stuff I eventually want to do, but I don’t really see the rush. I make rent every month and have enough money left over to hang out. And, you know, I’m still pretty young.”
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2 responses to “From The Onion: Majority Of Americans Just Gotta, You Know, Get Motivated And Do It”
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Brilliant!
Okay, now you're getting personal. 🙂