MINNEAPOLIS—Following decades of allegations from the 44-year-old data processor, the vast conglomeration of all matter and energy known as the universe admitted Tuesday that it was directly responsible for every single hardship in the life of Dave Schwartz, and apologized for continually foiling him at every turn.

The cosmos admits it could have given Schwartz good organizational skills but deliberately chose not to. “Dave has good reason to say the universe is conspiring against him, because, well, it is,” said the cosmos, acknowledging that it has thwarted Schwartz’s hopes and dreams from the moment of his conception. “He may sound melodramatic when he goes on and on about the whole world having turned against him, but he’s actually not that far off. The forces of time and nature genuinely want him to fail at life, and fail hard.”

“So, yes, his anger and frustration are totally understandable,” the universe added. “Pointless and futile, but totally understandable.”

Sources close to Schwartz have long speculated that his failure to find success in work, love, and life stemmed from his own poor decisions and lack of resolve, but the very source of all causality verified Tuesday that, just as Schwartz has always claimed, the blame for each misstep and unfortunate circumstance rests squarely on the cosmos’s shoulders.

“Back in ’02, we purposefully made enough things go right for Dave that he actually managed to convince himself that fate didn’t exist and that the universe was a hopeful place full of limitless possibilities, all of which could be his as long as he believed in himself and maintained a positive outlook,” the universe said. “Two days later—boom—we slam him with an IRS audit and some back pain.”

At press time, Dave Schwartz was stuck in a traffic jam with severe indigestion.

Read the whole thing here.