Last Sunday at our new church, RJ spoke about suffering from II Corinthians 4, and verses 8-10 stuck out to me:
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.”
We talked about our propensity to want to “fix” people’s suffering/problems and offer words of advice instead of love and empathy, and I was reminded of a little grace in practice I found in one of my nursing textbooks. The chapter was on the patient interview and discussed some things a nurse should try not to do while talking to patients. One of the points was “Giving Unwanted Advice” and said that even if a patient asks “If you were me, what would you do?” we shouldn’t answer “If I were you, I’d…” because we are, in fact, not them. And in answering what we would do, we are disabling the patient to understand and come to terms with their condition and make decisions about their lives.
Is that what we are doing when we try to help someone through suffering by offering advice? “Well, how has your prayer life been?” “Have you been reading the Bible?” “You should do x, y, and z…” The truth is, we are hard pressed on every side, and to deny it or offer solutions not only makes people feel like it’s their fault (which sometimes it might be) but, I think, it also hinders those who are suffering from experiencing the grace and “life of Jesus” being revealed in them.
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4 comments
dpotter says:
Jan 31, 2009
Helpful. I had a seminary professor who used to remind us that when we do hospital visitation, we do not bring Jesus into the room. His point was that Christ is already there and has been doing a wonderful job without our little cliches, nervous small-talk and tendency to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. (Not to say that visitation is unimportant, but that it isn’t about our agenda) Another prof would speak about a lady in his congregation who came up every week to talk about her grandkids/garden/etc. He said he was annoyed at first, but then began to ask himself ‘why does this lady keep telling me about this stuff and no one else?’…he began to feel that she had idealized him to the point that she felt she was telling God. I think this illustrates another reason why advice from a pastor/medical professional can be exceedingly tricky at times, because, in some sense, it puts the professional in the place of God and encourages inappropriate transference.
Leigh says:
Jan 31, 2009
Both post and comment give summary to my family in more ways than one! At times we are given to love each in spite of it…and at others we give advice on how not to “give advice”.
Bonnie says:
Jan 31, 2009
Sarah, I love that your nursing textbook tells you to NOT give unwanted advice! How funny (and cool and helpful)!
There was a presentation at the Society of Adolescent Research that examined the relationship between advice-giving from mothers to adolescents and adolescent social relationships. The study found that maternal advice-giving was related to less receptivity and less warmth in adolescent friendships (as measured by both questionnaire and behavioural indicators. Adolescents who were given maternal advice also demonstrated less positive autonomy (i.e., being independent but in a constructive manner) in relation to their mother. In other words, mothers giving advice was related to the kids being less receptive and warm towards their peers, and also to less constructive independence on the part of the kids in relation to their mothers! (NOT the kind of outcome that mothers would have wanted, I’m sure!) So while this wasn’t specifically about _un_wanted advice, it does show that advice is not always as constructive/helpful as advice-givers would like to think it is!
On a side note: Simeon now knows that when I ask him “which pair of shoes should I get?”, his job is to secretly figure out which pair of shoes I wanted (or had decided that I wanted), and then tell me that’s the pair he thinks I should get.
I do wonder though, in the medical field, whether people seeking advice are really just seeking for information, or at least a way to understand the information they have been given? I can imagine myself asking a doctor “what do you think I should do?” but actually meaning “Can you tell me what my options are? What do all of these things mean?” which isn’t the same as advice.
I guess a more nuanced (!) way of looking at it is whether the person asking for advice has already made up his/her mind about something, or whether they are genuinely wanting guidance.
heartlesscapitalist says:
Feb 1, 2009
Clearly, your grace-orientated perspective will assist you in delivering the sort of bed side manner that will really speak to the needs of your patients. This blog needs more healthcare professionals – the thing close to a doctor on mockingbird is a well-read academic who uses fancy theological lingo. Can you do something on Obama’s plan for healthcare reform, which I think is his next task if he ever gets to take his eye off the sinking economy?